My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
