We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
