Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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