Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
