my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
