Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
