I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
