Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
