i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
