i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
