Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
