last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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