Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
