Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
