Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
