I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
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