I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I am midnight drunk by noon
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
