I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
