You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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