it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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