why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
