My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
