Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
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