My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
