I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
