a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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