You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Randomize
