i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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