i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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