We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
