I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
