Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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