I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
