the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
please don't ironically join a cult
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