8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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