I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
