Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
