Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
