I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Are my feet made of real feet?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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