i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
