I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
