Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
