She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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