Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
