It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
