I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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