you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
50% drunk capacity currently
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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