OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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