so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
