I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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