My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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